By Elizabeth Newby, Columnist

Nothing makes me hate being American more than Tim Tebow’s face. He attaches his dumb, virginal morals to everything I love about sports.

Every time I turn on Sportscenter there’s a highlight of him praying, and I have no choice but to turn the TV off.

How am I supposed to know anything if I can’t watch Sportscenter? And I can justify basically anything for the sake of football.

Michael Vick abuses dogs? I’m sure he has his reasons. Tim Tebow sings a worship song? I just “vommed” everywhere.

I’ve seen his hot girlfriend, and I know for a fact that they’re totally French kissing.

Stop lying about it, bro. Tim Tebow is the worst.

But I’ll never escape his Christian wrath because my Dad has the most disgusting crush on him. He says things like, “I’d let my daughter marry Tebow.”

Two weeks ago he left me a voicemail that said: “Just wanted to let you know that Tebow won.”

Not the Broncos. Just Tebow.

Normally I’d just be like, “Lol, Dad, Tebow sucks.” But for some reason, I just can’t do it.

I can’t tell my dad that I hate Tebow. It would be like telling my conservative father that I’m buying a foreign car.

It would break his cold, little heart.

Instead, I usually just take it. Well, until last Sunday when I went to Norman to spend some quality time with my Dad and grab a cup of coffee.

The dude behind the counter had a shaved head with a single dreadlock, and my dad says, “Look at the guy’s hair. That’s disgusting.”

At times like these, I like to use my dad’s Christian ethics to prove my liberal points, so I respond, “Dad, what would your friend Jesus say about that guy’s hair?”

Then I got this brilliant idea, and I said, “Better yet, what would Tebow say?

Would Tebow judge him based on his appearance?”

I know that Tebow so would, but my Dad doesn’t get that. He thinks he’s a saint (NFL pun).

And consequently, he was super nice to the dreadlock dude after that.

I totally used Tebow out of context as a mechanism for power, and it was awesome.

I kinda get why my conservative homies pull these pranks.

Forget equality, y’all. I’m Tebowing everyone from now on.